I don’t want to talk about remembering. I bring up what’s here and now- finding you giving your body to someone else’s eyes; kissing when you said trust trust trust you/me. Right now, I want to talk about being. I want to talk about breathing. I want to talk about seeing and feeling (and what that means to me right now). I want to talk about questioning and believing- how sometimes (right now, back then) I can feel things changing right beneath me. How sometimes (you know because you sleep next to me) I have dreamsof all the people who I have lost. That’s the tricky thing about loving someone; it doesn’t always stop when it should. Mine should have stopped two weeks ago, one week ago, today even. When a soul dies or a person moves on, people expire but the feeling doesn’t. It lingers phantom-limbed and without argument. And dear God, how I wish I could shake loose your arms and your fingers wrapped tight around my heart- I don’t deserve this right now.
You try to hide it in places you hope you’ll never look (Vermont and ‘I love you’ books and look how smart I can be), but it sneaks up on you. It wakes up next to you. It curls inside your arms and you hold it like the way you’re always known.
I want to talk about some of these things I never say. Some of the things that have too many gaps to try and fit my fingers around them, and show you the in between of my careful palms. There are these dark places I try not to go because I’ve been there before and it’s not always easy to leave. It’s not always easy to look yourself in the mirror and see the ugly face you can be. I know it because I’ve been there. I’ve faced my demons and I have fogged up the mirror and written my apologies. You, you cannot even raise your eyes to the glass. Never mind telling me the truth, telling me you are wrong, you are repentant, you are true.
It’s great that this man is so into me. It’s wonderful he’s starting his own business, living on his own, and drives a sexy as fuck car. But at the same time, a year is a long ways to wait, and I can’t force my emotions into it just because everyone’s telling me it’s a great idea.
On the plus side, at least, all emotions are now drained/gone towards my roommate/ex boyfriend. This is startling.